Another Sleepless Night
by Nyghtraven
Summary: Story taking place after the end of KOTOR between Carth and Revan.


Another sleepless night. Revan stood on the balcony of the apartments she shared with Carth on Coruscant. Lately sleep had become hard to find, flashes and bits of memories kept haunting her thoughts. She could feel the darkness of the Sith Lord she once was, lurking just at the edges of her mind. That worried her, a lot. She had turned away from what she had once been, but knew that it was still a part of who she was, even though she couldn't remember all of it.

Even though it had been two months since the Star Forge had been destroyed, it still plagued Revan's mind. She could remember feeling the power of the Star Forge when they had landed on it. It pulled at her mind, wanting her to use its power, to embrace that darkness once more. It would have been so easy to give in, to reclaim her place as Sith Lord when she defeated Malak. But she remembered why she had been able to resist, her reason for rejecting that dark side.

She smiled fondly as his face drifted into her thoughts. Carth, he had come to mean so much to her. They had been through so much and it had been his love for her that had kept her from falling that day. She'd been able to draw strength from it and she had walked away from all that darkness. At first, she'd been able to enjoy the peace that had come. But then the shadows started creeping into her mind, sometimes she would remember things, other times it was just the feel of the darkness pulling at her.

* * *

Carth stirred from his sleep, something pricking his awareness. Glancing around, he realized Revan wasn't beside him. Sighing heavily, he slipped back into his clothes and headed down the hallway. He knew where she would be, where he found her each night lately. Stopping at the doorway that opened out onto the balcony, he watched her. She stood staring at the sky, as though she could see the stars beyond the glittering lights of Coruscant. He could feel the restlessness stirring in her soul, and it worried him. After all they had been through together; he couldn't bear to think of ever losing her.

Slowly he moved to stand beside her, silently slipping one arm around her waist. He smiled softly as she responded by leaning against him. Pulling her closer into a hug, he looked down at her. Revan's sapphire gaze met his and she smiled slightly before turning to rest her head against his shoulder. They stood quietly, each just enjoying the closeness of the other.

Finally he broke the silence, "What's wrong, Beautiful?"

"Oh, it's nothing Carth, I just couldn't sleep."

Gently caressing her cheek, he shook his head, "A guy doesn't need to be a Jedi to know that's not the whole truth. Come on, what's bothering you?"

She chuckled, "Stubborn Flyboy, I never could get anything past you could I?"

He laughed, and then looked at her. "Somehow I get the feeling you're still not going to tell me, are you?"

She shook her head and reached up to kiss his cheek softly. "It doesn't matter. Come on, let's get back to bed."

He nodded and released her from the hug as they turned and headed back inside. Despite her words, he still felt worried about her.

* * *

A week later, Carth returned to the apartment after running some errands. Instantly as the door closed behind him, he was hit by the feeling that something was **very** wrong. Setting his packages down beside the door, he headed towards the room he shared with Revan. Sliding the door open, he was struck by a vision of pure chaos.

Revan sat on the floor, pieces of two lightsabers scattered across the floor. The rest of the room looked as though a massive storm had ripped through it. He felt the deep anguish in her heart, the fear, confusion, and the sorrow that tumbled through her mind. Slowly, Carth moved closer and sank down to his knees beside her. She looked up at him, her sapphire eyes glazed and bloodshot, her jet dark hair disheveled as it framed her face. Wordlessly he opened his arms and she turned to bury her face against his chest and cried.

"Shh, it's alright, Beautiful." He held her close until the storm had passed and her tears stopped.

Taking a ragged, deep breath, she pulled back and looked at him. "No, it's **not** alright, Carth. I think I'm losing what's left of my mind."

"So, talk to me, maybe I can help you find it."

A weak smile flickered across her face. "I told you I keep remembering things, I can't help but feel that the darkness is coming after me, it doesn't want to let me go."

"You beat it once, you can do it again. Don't underestimate yourself. "

"Carth, you don't understand. I'm worried that everything I was as a Sith Lord is going to come back, **all** of it. I struggle with that darkness every day, and I'm scared that eventually it's going to wear me down and I won't be able to keep fighting it. If that happens there won't be any turning back, if it claims me again I won't have the strength left to resist it. I don't want to think of what would happen if that ever comes to pass."

"Revan, I made a promise to protect you, no matter what. Now that I've got you, I don't plan on ever losing you to anything. I'll always be here, and that darkness will not get you, never again." He stood up and pulled her into his arms, gently raising her chin to make her look him in the eyes. "You defeated Malak and the Star Forge. I know you have the strength to face whatever might come."

She sighed and leaned against him. "**You** are my strength Carth. You were my reason to turn away from it all."

"Then keep using me, I'm not going anywhere, Gorgeous, you're stuck with me." He smiled as he managed to earn a small chuckle from her. "We'll face things together; we'll keep each other strong, ok?"

She nodded, and kissed him softly, "I just don't want to think of you ever being hurt because of me."

"Well, I'm not going to just stand aside and let you get hurt because I'm not there. No way, I won't lose you."

"Carth Onasi, I do love you. I'm glad I've got you."

"I love you too, Beautiful."

Glancing at the pieces of lightsaber, he tilted his head, "Wait, those weren't your sabers were they? What happened in here?"

"I found out today that the Council had taken the sabers I had, when Bastila's team captured me. They'd put them in their Archives. Those were the sabers I used when I was the Sith Lord."

"So you got them back, and destroyed them?"

Fragments of metal and shards of crimson and violet crystals sparkled in the light, and it was hard for her to think of all the horrible things she had done while wielding those sabers.

"Yes."

"Feel better?"

She sighed and snuggled into his embrace, for a brief moment, she felt warm and safe. "A little."

"Good. Want me to help clean up?"

"No, thank you, Carth, but I made the mess. I'll get it."

He kissed her neck softly, "Alright, then I'll make dinner."

"Deal."

* * *

Three months after the Star Forge's destruction, Carth woke up with a start. Dread filled his mind as he reached over to find only an empty place in the bed beside him. Sitting up, he looked over to find a datapad resting on her pillow. His eyes closed tight, fearing what was written there. Finally, his hand shaking as he picked it up, Carth read the datapad.

_Carth, _

_Please, forgive me. I know I promised we'd stay together forever. I truly wish that I could keep that promise. The last few nights I've remembered more things from my time as Dark Lord. There are terrible things I left unfinished, things I must deal with now. If there's to be any hope of a future for us, or for the Republic, I have to do this. I am sorry, but the path I have to walk now, the places I must go, you can't come. _

_I need you to stay, to protect the Republic, it will need you. Please, Carth, promise me that you will keep it safe and strong. I will do my best to come back to you, but I don't know for sure what's waiting for me out there. If… if things don't work out, if I can't make it back… don't forget that I love you. I never wanted to hurt you, and I hope that you can understand, and forgive me this one last time. _

He sat there, losing count of how many times he read over the message she'd left. He shook, feeling as though half of his soul had been ripped out and he was oblivious to the tears streaming down his cheeks. Finally he stood, and walked over to the vid monitors, flipped on one screen and switched to the camera that covered the hangar bay which had been home to the _Ebon Hawk_ for the last three months. Even though his mind told him it wouldn't be there, his heart half hoped that the ship would still be there. That somehow she might have changed her mind and not left, or decided to take him with her. Sinking at the sight of the stark and empty hangar bay, there was no doubt left. The _Ebon Hawk_ was gone, Revan was gone.

Part of him wanted to find a ship, to go after her, but he knew that he couldn't. She'd left him with a promise to keep. He would stay; as she asked him to, although it was the hardest thing he'd ever had to do.

Walking out onto the balcony and searched the sky for answers he knew he wouldn't find. "Please, come back to me, Beautiful. Be safe out there."

* * *

Six years. Somehow part of his mind refused to believe it had been that long. Yet the ache in his heart had never gone away, he still missed her. Two years ago there had been some hope of news about her. The Ebon Hawk had appeared in known space but it only carried the Jedi Exile and the two droids who seemed to have had their memories wiped regarding Revan. He knew people whispered about him behind his back, thinking him obsessed. But deep down, he just could not give up on her. He had to believe she was still alive, somewhere.

He was older, true, with hints of grey starting to peek out amongst his brown hair, but no one questioned his skill as an Admiral. He stood on the bridge of the _Sojourn_, and felt the pride of commanding his own ship. They had spent the last few months patrolling some of the outer rim sectors. Despite his excuses that they were looking for any signs of trouble, many suspected the Admiral was only really searching for one thing, one person.

The call from one of his bridge officers snapped Carth out of his thoughts. "Admiral!"

"Yes?"

"I'm picking up a signal, Sir. It appears to be a distress signal, but it is very… strange."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, Sir, the signal is using Republic codes, but it is being broadcast in Trandoshan."

"Trandoshan?"

"Yes, Sir. We're having some difficulty translating it."

"Where's the signal coming from?"

"We're working on pinning its location down now. "

"I want to investigate it, let me know as soon as you find it."

The officer nodded and returned to his work. Carth turned his gaze to the star field in front of the ship's viewports. He noticed his heart beating faster, and tried to calm himself down. There had been so many false leads and dead ends, for all he knew this could be just a trick or trap.

"Sir, I've found it. It appears to be on a small, uninhabited planet, here." He pointed to the dot on the navigational chart. "And all we can get from the message is "Crashed, supplies low, need immediate assistance" and it is still sending Republic codes, although the message itself is in Trandoshan."

"Are you positive those codes are Republic?"

"Well, they're outdated, Sir, but they do check out."

Carth swallowed hard against the thoughts swirling in his mind. "How outdated?"

"I'd say at least five or six years old, Sir."

"How long till we reach that planet?"

"At full speed, maybe eight hours."

"Full speed then, and let me know when we arrive."

Carth turned and headed off the bridge, needing to sort out the jumbled chaos in his mind. Hope sprang up anew that there could be some chance that it would be her, or someone who might have information about her. Still he tried to caution himself against getting his hopes up too far, considering how many times he'd been disappointed in the past.

He arrived at his quarters and pulled out a change of clothes. Regardless of what they might find when they got to the planet, he intended to be part of the landing party. He changed out of his officer's uniform and slipped back into his worn but comfortable combat gear. He felt a wave of sorrow as the old jacket brought back a flood of memories, most of them about her. Shaking his head, he checked his blasters and headed back toward the bridge to wait.

* * *

Despite the protests from his crew about possible dangers, Carth insisted on leading the landing party when they arrived at the planet. Sensors had indicated lots of native life forms, dense vegetation, and lots of water and boggy ground. Not the most ideal conditions to land in or to stage any sort of rescue mission. They found a suitable place to land, but it was a good hour or so hike from the crash site they were investigating.

Cursing the muck that seeped into his boots and the infernal swarms of bloodsucking insects, Carth hoped they would find something worth their effort. As they neared the crashed ship, a clear feminine voice rang out.

"I swear, if I ever think of stealing a Trandoshan fighter again, someone blast me! Please. Filthy, stinking heap of junk! Miserable thing can't even speak Basic. Bah!" The yelling drifted into a variety of curses in more languages than Carth could even count. But that voice had sent his heart racing, and he strode forward, ignoring the vines and mud that tried to slow him down.

He got closer and could see the form of a slender female, apparently having a glaring contest with one of the local creatures. The beast stood half her height, but seemed subdued. "Get out of here you mangy beast, before I decide to see if you're edible!" she yelled. The creature slid back into the muck and vanished. As far as he could see, she was unarmed, except for her wits.

She spun around as he cleared his throat, and his heart stopped. Even under the weary, mud covered expression; those piercing sapphire eyes were unmistakable. He watched recognition, shock, disbelief, and then joy flicker through those eyes and imagined the same mirrored in his own brown eyes. He felt the last six years melt away, as though she had never left his side.

"Long time no see, Beautiful."

"About time you showed up, Flyboy."

He ran forward and scooped her up into a tight hug, and held her as they both cried with joy. The rest of the landing party moved away, leaving the two some privacy. Finally letting her down as she protested the need to breath, he still kept her in his arms, unwilling to let go after finally finding her again. He gently brushed a few rogue strands of hair back from her face and smiled.

"I've missed you. Though I must say, you picked an interesting place for a vacation."

"Ha! Vacation, hardly. It's a long story, and I'm hungry enough to eat half a bantha, shall we get going?"

"Only if you promise me one thing."

She sighed, "What?"

"Don't **ever** leave without me again."

"Don't worry, Flyboy, you're stuck with me for good now. No more running around the galaxy for me. I just want to go home."

"Good, then when we get back to the _Sojourn_, I'll make you dinner."

"Deal. Let's go."

He took hold of her hand as they made the long walk back to the shuttle to meet up with the rest of the landing party. Along the way they talked, catching up on things, reminiscing about other things. For the first time in six years, Carth finally felt happy again and he only hoped that this time she was right, that she would never leave again.

"How did you manage to end up in a Trandoshan ship anyways?"

"I needed something that could fly, so I _borrowed_ that one."

"I'm just glad I found you. It's been so hard not to just abandon everything to look for you, but I did what you asked, I stayed and helped the Republic."

"I know Carth, and I am sorry about that. We've got the rest of our lives to make up for that though, I promise you, I won't be leaving, ever again."

"Revan…"

"Yes?"

" If anything else like that comes up, and you do feel the need to leave, either shoot me, or I will be coming with you, period."

"Well, I don't seem to have a blaster, so I guess we're stuck with each other, eh?"

"Looks that way, good thing we love each other, huh?"

"Indeed, Carth Onasi, I will always love you."


End file.
